Dear Dunkin Donuts,
Please just stick to doughnuts. It's been some time now, and I've yet to have a single beverage from your establishment that didn't taste like a hobo's butt crack. I've tried everything. Lattes, cappuccinos, sweet tea, iced coffees and plain coffee. And the other day I tried a "Coffee Coollatta", which I assumed to be something of an iced coffee. In reality, it was more like a Slushi and tasted like a mixture of root beer, coffee, and something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Lemon Pledge, perhaps?
It's not like i haven't tried. Goodness knows I've tried. I kept thinking, surely they make some kind of beverage I don't want to immediately throw into traffic. Surely someday the sugar will be dissolved or I won't have to pull over to put in my own packets of Splenda. Surely the sweet tea I get today won't taste like it's been filtered through Snooki's pantyhose and left out for five days. And every single time, I'm disappointed.
I honestly don't know why I keep trying. It's likely just because you're so conveniently located to where I work and the easiest drive-thru on the way home. I can only assume most people continue to order your "drinks" simply because it's quick, convenient and cheaper than Starbucks. It's probably for those reasons that I keep stopping and will drink what you give me, no matter how utterly revolting it is. Caffeine is caffeine after all.
At least for now, I'm going to pass you by, opting instead for either Burger King or McDonalds' offerings, which are surprisingly much tastier and also relatively cheap.
America may run on Dunkin, but it's probably not for the reasons you think.
Just keep makin' the doughnuts and leave the drinks to the professionals.